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Updated: March 22, 2006

Just A Reminder
 
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
 
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
 
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
 
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
 
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
 
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
 
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
 
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
 
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
 
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
 
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
 
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
 
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
 
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
 
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
 
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
 
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
 
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
 
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
 
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
 
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
 
"This is Heaven," he answered.
 
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
 
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
 
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
 
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
 
Soooo...
 
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
 
Maybe this will explain.
 
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
 
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
 
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
 
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
 
A forwarded joke.
 
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
 
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.

The Guys' Rules
 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
 
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
 
We always hear"the rules" from the female side.
 
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 
1. Sunday sports. 
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
 
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
 
1. Crying is blackmail.
 
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
 
 
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 
 
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
 
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
 
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria! 's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 
 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us. 
 
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 
 
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 
 
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 
 
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 
  
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. 
Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.
 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that. 
  
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear. 
 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really. 
 
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks. 
 
1. You have enough clothes. 
 
1. You have too many shoes. 
 
1. I am in shape. < B>Round is a shape. 
 
1. Thank you for reading this. 
 
Yes, I know, 
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;! 
but did you know men really don't mind that? 
It's like camping.

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CALLING IN SICK  
 
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
 
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
 
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
 
Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You kow where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
 
But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
 
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
 
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached undr the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
 
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.
 
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew! 
 
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs
 
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."

 POLITICALLY CORRECT AMERICA
   
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be  
referred to as "HILLBILLIES."  You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
 
And furthermore .
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1.  She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2.  She is not a "SCREAMER", a WHINER or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 
3.  She is not "EASY" --- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4.  She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" --- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5.  She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6.  She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7.  She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" --- She gets "CHEMICALLY  INCONVENIENCED"
8.  She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9.  She does not "NAG" you --- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10.  She is not a "TRAMP" --- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11.  She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" --- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12.  She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" --- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1.  He does not have a "BEER GUT" --- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2.  He is not a "BAD DANCER" --- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3.  He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" --- He "INVESTIGATES  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4.  He is not "BALDING" --- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5.  He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" --- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6.  He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" --- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7.  He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" --- He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8.  He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" --- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9.  He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" --- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10.  He is not "HORNY" --- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11.  It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants --- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

No matter what problems come your way, keep your sense of humor.  If you can find a reason to laugh or at least smile, you'll feel much better.  If you have a friend who is usually cheerful, hang out with them.  When you least feel like seeing anyone is when you most need company.  Occassionally a good cry helps.  If all else fails, go ahead and yell at God, He understands our frustrations and forgives misdirected anger.
 
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